I lost 2 lives in September.
Both were born in July.
Known them in a short time.
But enough to had me grieve for years.
Just like the waves.
It comes and goes.
Some days I accept.
Some days I blame myself.
Some days I miss them so much I wish I could turn back the time.
Today,
I grieve for her.
I grieve for him.
The lives that I lost.
Forever.
..I didn’t have.
I know exactly what she means.
I was lucky in some ways. I got into a good programme and now have a stable job.
I had many close friends growing up..
But I dont think they know this part of my story:
The reason I didn’t go to boarding school because no one can send me there.
I spent 5 years in local uni without my parents ever visit me.
No parents at my high school graduation (i was the valedictorian) , undergraduate and postgraduate graduation ceremony :)
Moved to Temerloh alone. I spent my first day raya oncall and second day raya alone. Moved back to KL alone.
Honestly, it didnt really bothers me back then. I simply accepted that was my normal. Its only now, looking back 20 years later that I realised..huh that was kinda sad.
But yeah, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Isnt it?
Maybe it does.
But wtf cares about being strong.
Sometimes I just wish I didn’t have to be.
Imagine hurting a girl with no safe place to run to..it is fortunate she did not expire in the process.
This year, my mind seems obsessed with trying new things.
The question that pops in my head everyday..
What does 40 year old Jaja want to try to do today?
It started one fine morning in Phuket. At the end of the Yoga session at the resort, i saw this teenager doing a headstand at the end of the class.
And i thought okay that looks hard but i can do that.
So i tried…
…and flopped miserably 🫣
But am I a quitter?
Procastinor yes, but quitter never.
On the last day there, I approached the instructor to teach me how to do a headstand.
And he did.
Fast forward 1 month, here I am trying all sorts of poses. On my own.
After almost a year of not attending an Islamic talk, I finally went to one yesterday..
Some of the things the speaker mentioned about:
1. Lonelines
The loneliness can be a reminder from Allah to return to Him. There is no one more lonely than Nabi Yunus when he was trapped in a belly of a whale or Maryam when she had to went through pregnancy and labour alone.
2. Acceptance/Redha
How do we accept the things that happen in our lives?
I realised how easy it is to question why.
Why did this happen to me?
Why did Allah allow this?
Why couldn’t things have turned out differently?
Instead of questioning or blaming Him, we return to Him. We stay with Him. We ask Him for guidance. We ask Him for help. We tell Him that we don’t understand, but we trust that He knows what we don’t.
redha not necessarily being okay with everything, but surrendering what we cannot control while continuing to walk towards Him.
3. Remain when things are hard
This one hit me the most. To remain in iman even when the test feels too heavy. The speaker reminded us the story of Nabi Yaakub.
He lost Yusuf for years. He grieved. He cried until he lost his sight. Yet he never blamed Allah for what happened to him. He remained in his Iman. And despite knowing what the children did to of Yusuf, he remained a good father to them.
I kept thinking about that.
How do we learn to have that kind of sabar?
Not the kind where you pretend that you’re not hurting.
But the kind where you can hurt deeply and still remain with Allah.
Where you can cry and still pray.
Where you can be exhausted and still believe.
Where you can not understand your test and still not turn away from Him.
Still be good to people who hurt you.
I don’t think I have mastered that.
Not even close..
And there was another strange thing that happened during the talk. Listening to other people’s stories made me look at Liyana and said…
“Okayyy… mine is not that bad.”
😂
Life will always have something to test us with. The goal isn’t to have a life without struggles but to learn how to walk through them without losing our way back to Allah.
A lot of commotion on how yoga memesongkan akidah.
Alhamdulillah akidah masih intact doing yoga.
Rs akidah perempuan lg mudah terpesong percaya janji manis lelaki.
Adakah kita perlu ban mereka?
😜
Take the good, leave the bad.
Update:
They said: Then dont use the word yoga. Guna la term senaman regangan. Baiklah saya guna term senaman regangan headstand bukan yoga supaya akidah saya terpelihara. Ameen ya rabbal alamin. :)
But it makes me wonder..why would they want to prevent it..
Have they ever been in that person shoes, to know how it feels. How hard it is to continue living. How difficult it gets not to feel sad all the time.
As much as people can give all the support they think the person need. There will still be few quiet moments when no one can be there for them, and the thoughts get louder than usual.
So i guess begitula terjadi nya penciptaan lagu ini.
You can have regret for not saving a person, but there is nothing more you can do.
“I pray to God He hear you..”
And who knows they are probably at a better place..
The world is not that great to live in, anyway..
But of course i will give different consultation fr my profession. :)
This is my personal opinion, that only for me myself and i.
So which one is the real me?
Guess..
Maybe the one on prayer mat..
Talking to God..
..wonder if He listen..
One of the birthday wishes that caught me off guard..
Am I..loved? 🥹
Thank you for the reminder, Jo.
